just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
