And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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