I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
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I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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