He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
