i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
