How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
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apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
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ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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