my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
