Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
