I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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