I hate all girls vehemently.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
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