I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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