god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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