apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
