did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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