forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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