his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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