we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
