I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My day in three words: secret purse cake
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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