i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
