do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
