....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
