Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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