i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.