Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.