Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
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The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
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I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.