I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
