This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
