There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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