Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
