It was confusing and full of hummus
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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