You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
