I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
