I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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