I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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