That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
