well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You did what with his pubic hair?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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