I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
