I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
