I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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