take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize