I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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