Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
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If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
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You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.