the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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