We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
