So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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