I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
