Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
