Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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