As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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