how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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