Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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