you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
