my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
