he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
