im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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