I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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