i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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