I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
