I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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