I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
