if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best