you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Bring me that man meat
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
